Its dark here in Ponderton.

In the words of everyones favorite panic at the chemical fallout song

Im not ok

Not at the minute anyway.

Im not as bad as ive ever been, not even close, but im not great. The pain of the last *however long* has got out its box and im mardy, distant and generally anxious, easliy upset and trying desperatly not to let the idiocy and harsh words of those i loved in the past gouge new wounds in me now.

I say this only as I have been generally functional for the last year, if not a bit emotionally remote.
Its caught up and im tired and sad at the moment.
I sit here under the Tree aware that i am a bit oversensitive and may be a bit crappier than usual at doing anything other than working and sleeping and spending quiet time with people I love who understand where Ive been and what it has done to me.

I am prone to ruining everything when my emotions get the better of me.

The aim this time is to at least keep on the straight and narrow with work as I am lucky to finally be working on things i enjoy and am passionate about, with people who are great and try and get the thoughts that cause me so much pain back in control and back thats dammned box  talked about last time.

Yes its kind of easy to talk about controlling things and letting them die when you have them under control. But what about when they aren’t? What about when the monster gets out and causes havok?

I find the best think I can do is come to Ponderton and wait for it to get back in the box itself.

You chase a dog with something it shouldnt have, it will run, you fight it, it hurts.

Come to the Tree at Ponderton and Look at It.

Why is it hurting you?

What is it about it that is causing you pain?

For me it is obsession with a situation i cant control that has result in an outcome i dont like. I take lies, betrayal, deception etc personally. Like uber to heart. I want to know why it happened, fix it, change it, take it all on myself.

The big realisations and acceptances often are:

Other peoples issues and actions are not mine to control

I cant change the past, what people have thought it was ok to do to me, or what I have been through

I do not have to accept what these situations present me as truth when the context has been in the hands of another.

What i can do is learn from the outcome and move forward.

Hopefully one day I will be stronger and better for the efforts to learn, and perhaps, it is in fact possible though i cannt quite see it now, I will find myself in a healthy relationship where I am valued, openness and integrity is commonplace my personal values and qualities are things that are respected and celebrated.

Hopefully the pain, loneliness and distrust and disgust feel now will become footnotes to my journey to my rather than things that keep me awake at night in tears.
Im not ok.

I hope one day I will be.
I know some people dont hold with public displays of emotional outpouring.
But for me they are the closest i come sometimes to saying what the problem is and how i hope to resolve it without having to say it i person.

It helps to externalise and release the pain.

When rightly or wrongly you feel alone, betrayed, helpless, iscolated or angry:

It helps you feel like you are seen.

This path may not be for you, but it is mine.

I am not ok.

But i will be

I have no way to reconcile many of my issues externally.

I will perhaps never see the person who causes so much of the pain again.
I can not tell him, I can not make him understand what he has done to me.

But the point is he doesnt care, he is gone. He has chosen to no longer to be part of my life and to cause as much damage as he could on the way out.

If he cared he would be here fixing them; or the problem would never have happened in the first place.

I must reconcile my feelings towards him with myself. This is the only way to heal and move forward.
Until then, anger and pain at him is only hurting myself.
But telling my irrational self that at 3am in the morning doesnt help.
So i am telling you. Everyone and no one.
I am telling me, reading it with my eyes.

I am not ok.

Putting my emotions in a box doesnt fix them. But it helps me control them.

Eventually they will stop being unwieldly enough that it wont be as cuttingly painful to pull the bits apart and see what to keep and what to disgard.

Until then please just accept me as I am, functional but flawed, prone to extravagance and depths of sadness, poor plastering on shaky foundations.
I am the sum of my parts, but somehow more, and yet less.

I am not ok. Today anyway. Probably not tomorrow, but some days I am. And for now, Ok is enough.


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